Dear all Scene Kids,

For me you are far too cool to comprehend. Topped to brim with the latest fashion. Alas you are cunts who really missed the point. People are cool not the clothes they adorn or their favorite songs. I am asking kindly if you would please just suffocate yourselves or move to an island with all your similar friends where you can mill around all day and talk about the latest trends, like suitcases and dated braces. Self obsessed in the worst possible way. Get off your pedestal and spit out your silver spoon, or you may lead me to force feed you cement and throw you in the Thames to build a new bridge. A bridge made from failures and those who think they are better than us.

Thank you and Fuck you.

Dont go to Canning Town.

As another gloomy winter morning rears it’s head, i can think of a million places id rather be than canning town. Amongst the council estates and warehouses you’d assume there was an ounce of good nature, but i can’t find it. Don’t smile at passers by they will only think it strange, just keep fixated on the floor and pass through. It is six in the morning and things are already heating up. A police car outside a corner shop parked in a way which only can mean he they aren’t there to shop. Locals eyes look me up and down, brows narrow to form a frown. Out here i am too strange to bear, is it because of my clothes or is it my hair?
A drunken man stumbles in front of a car with his arm in the air stopping oncoming traffic and another police car arrives to get him back to the pavement. I must plan my escape from this godforsaken place. I have to ask a local for change for the bus. As i ask her the question her gargoyle features crease and instead of replying she just stares into the road. I take it as a good sign she doesn’t steal my soul as well, and walk to the nearest petrol station. I plead for the number of a local taxi rank. The shrew behind the counter can see i am in distress and i can tell he enjoys giving me no help what so ever. Oh lord, i must get away from this. I am stuck in some kind of unfriendly pit that time forgot. I start to believe there is something wrong with me, that i am making these people act like arse holes.
Looking at the many ugly tower blocks i wish to see a nuclear bomb. A beautiful mushroom bloom from the pavement reducing this shit heap to mere rubble. I get change and receive more strange looks. I feel like i have faeces smeared on my face or something to antagonise these people. Finally at the bus stop i wait. I see only blank, bleak faces. Something in the air has stripped everyone of their soul. There are no colours here. The man who was stopping traffic does the same and sits next to me. He talks about the police telling him to stop stopping traffic and hands me a book about god. I never knew i would find god in canning town and i never really wanted to find him, however i did and he was drunk covered in scars. The bus appears on the horizon the last ticket out of this nightmare. I abandon god and board probably the best ride of my life. As i look back i sincerely hope this is the last il see of canning town.

SIRE! beware o' the Schluurrrrbbbbb!!!

Beware of the schlurb. He is wanted for selling bad acid and crimes against the soul. Last seen milling around a warehouse somewhere in london. There is a hefty reward for anyone who can catch the schlurb. The image above is just an artists impression, however it is quite acurate. Please help stop this madman.

Deathadrone: And the tragic death of the naughties.

Billions of furious plants want their food back it seems. Not for human consumption, but we do it anyway. We know what it could do, has done, can do, will be done, but we don’t know what it is. We don’t like it, we fucking love it. Just look at our bloody nostrils, face soars and crooked jaws.

Pure re-crystalized 4-mmc is the new craze and its killing your kids. Call it plant food call it M-cat, it's all just Meth to me. Drugs have become cool forcing us to find ridiculous ways to get high. Scientists have found paraphernalia from prehistoric times telling us our urge to get high must be primal. This is how we deal with what we perceive to be fucked up or even what we cannot perceive at all.

Kevin strips your bladder, Adam drains your spinal fluid and Krystal will rip out your spleen with a hint of Meth-amphetamine. You know it isn’t good for you, but then what is. Too much of anything these days is too much for us apparently, at the end of the day it’s all in the name of loosing brain cells. So don’t be silly because as human beings ultimately we decide what goes in and out and what we gain from the situation.

I don’t trust it, but i like it just like most other things.

Good Marning!

I was at a bus station the other day with a head full of acid. I saw a woman crying, looking like she had been beaten. She was in distress it was six or seven in the morning. Large groups of normal people had been waiting in the cold for their buses. As the woman pulled un-smoked cigarettes from her pockets throwing them on the floor. She looked me in the eye. I was unsure whether i was seeing this for real or not. The woman went to a bench and wailed. When the bus arrived i witnessed all the upstanding citizens literally run from the needy girl. I wanted so much to help her, but what use is an acid casualty on a cold Sunday morning who can barely utter his own name. It was a sad sight to see and to think, these people are here to help me.

Father of two was freed from jail after a court heard he was a "good" parent. He tied up his 2 year old daughter and posted a picture on face book stating "The naughty step didn't work." His actions are being put down to crass stupidity.

Julie Travis bludgeoned her 23 year old son with a golf club. After striking her son three times she asked her other son whether she should kill him or not? He begged her to stop, but she did it anyway.

Detective Baylor's jeep was targeted in a snowball fight. The off duty officer decided to leave the vehicle and pull his gun to try and settle the situation.
Akmal Shaikh 54, is due to be executed on 29th of december in China. He was caught attempting to smuggle 4kg of heroin into the country. His daughter has made an appeal to stop this happening. She states her father is delusional and suffers from bipolar. Her father was told by Polish drug smugglers that they would make him a pop star in china.

An eye for an eye an ear for an ear. A Pakistani court ordered two men have their ears and noses cut off for doing the same to women who would not marry one of them.
A man walked into a restaurant with a knife in his chest and ordered a coffee. He called an ambulance and walked a mile to the coffee shop. He was stabbed after refusing to hand his money to a mugger and claimed he was just waiting for an ambulance.

Angry Parents in Croatia feel a voluptuous puppet should be removed from a children stage performance. They felt the show was inappropriate for kids. The director fails to see what is so unusual about a hedge hog who could give you a prick and says it is not his fault if parents see something which doesn't exist in the show.

Matthew Shuter has created a psychedelic hearse to offer funerals for the "hippie generation". He claims they are dying out and he saw a gap in the market.

The body of a 75 year old man was left on a balcony for seven days because neighbors thought it was a Halloween display. The body had died to a single gunshot wound to the eye.

Newlywed Roman Catholics are being urged to say a single prayer before having sex to purify their actions and not commit a selfish act.

Natalie Dylan 22, has auctioned her virginity on E-bay. The bids have reached 2.5 billion. She is doing it to pay for her masters degree.

A 4 year old boy has been caught drunk on the streets wearing a girls dress he stole from a neighbors tree. He wants to get into trouble and go to jail because that is where his dad is.

A Buddhist bank robber has been refused the visit of his cat even though he says it is the reincarnation of his mum.

These things happen. Part of me wonders how this stupidity prevails and part of me accepts that it just does.